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RCMP CST. RYAN TOBIN JOURNAL ENTRY Day 2 – 2021-01-16
“I forgive my Wife. She explained to me that she was fed up, burnt out with my issues. Injuries, mental health… I’m sure she said some other things but my mind took that as gas to my conflict fire and it was all I could do not to tell her that the door to leave is always willing to let her leave”.
Special Thank you to Josh Vander Vies of the Charitable Impact / Canadian Disabilities Foundation, A Dollar A Day Foundation, Escape Route and Nesters Food Market for helping making this Camp possible for our Canadian Law Enforcement Officers.
Brand new full pack ready to go.
Time to put it to use.
1) How are you feeling today?
1- Today I still feel heavy. Lots of pain again. I feel exhausted, like a coal furnace with only one ember barely glowing. I’m discouraged. I don’t immediately feel better, This makes my mood sombre. All the time though, I’m grateful to be here. Grateful for the support, experience, and challenges. I do still feel very unsettled though.
2) How do you know you feel this way?
2- I can confirm I feel this way through my morning body scan. My thought processes are showing all the usual alarms. Being tired also highlights everything. I feel like an overtired child on the edge of a tantrum.
3) How did you sleep?
3- I slept fucking terrible. Restless, nightmares, short of breath. My body ached and I couldn’t find comfort at all. At one point I went out to use the washroom. I could have likely just walked away and disappeared, I felt so shitty. But, not enough energy for that, let alone walk to the road.
4) What are you grateful for?
4- I’m very thankful for my Wife and kids. I’m very blessed in life and my hard work has afforded me many luxuries others cannot/will not attain. Despite the roadblocks I encounter, we still live very comfortably.
I’m thankful I’m not in a mind to hurt myself. When despair has overtaken me I have thought about the “what if” or “maybe I just disappear into nature” but that’s all poison mindset running from problems. Most of all, I grew up without a father that stuck around and I would never intentionally do that to my children. I can’t even imagine a life if things don’t smooth out with my Wife. Not seeing them all the time or being around for them daily. I know it does happen and religiously I do not believe in divorce but I’ve seen too many toxic homes to not make things comfortable for the girls.
Forcing things doesn’t help them any more than separated families does. That being said, the thought of another Man playing “step dad” or “new guy” for my wife instantly takes me to a dark place mentally and no good would come of that.
4- I’m very thankful for my Wife and kids. I’m very blessed in life and my hard work has afforded me many luxuries others cannot/will not attain. Despite the roadblocks I encounter, we still live very comfortably.
I’m thankful I’m not in a mind to hurt myself. When despair has overtaken me I have thought about the “what if” or “maybe I just disappear into nature” but that’s all poison mindset running from problems. Most of all, I grew up without a father that stuck around and I would never intentionally do that to my children. I can’t even imagine a life if things don’t smooth out with my Wife. Not seeing them all the time or being around for them daily. I know it does happen and religiously I do not believe in divorce but I’ve seen too many toxic homes to not make things comfortable for the girls.
Forcing things doesn’t help them any more than separated families does. That being said, the thought of another Man playing “step dad” or “new guy” for my wife instantly takes me to a dark place mentally and no good would come of that.
5) Find someone to forgive or forgive yourself.
5- I forgive my Wife. She explained to me that she was fed up, burnt out with my issues. Injuries, mental health… I’m sure she said some other things but my mind took that as gas to my conflict fire and it was all I could do not to tell her that the door to leave is always willing to let her leave. All I could think was how I had nobody to talk to about things and the only person I even felt remotely might hear me was her. I thought of all the things and feelings I didn’t share. The dark thoughts, the things I’ve seen and done. Then when she would ask why I was lashing out or why I was so worked up. Why ask if you’re not willing to care. Yet, any time she had the slightest stressor all I would do is make myself available to her to listen and help. I think back now and although not happy with her dismissal of my distress and not feeling emotionally connected, she allowed me to have her feelings. I resented her for being my only light in the night and telling me I was a burden she couldn’t stand anymore. Now I forgive her for it. Whether she meant to communicate it that way impact is the final product not intent. It let me know there were new boundaries for me to adhere to. Despite having nobody else, I knew reaching out was making things toxic.
5- I forgive my Wife. She explained to me that she was fed up, burnt out with my issues. Injuries, mental health… I’m sure she said some other things but my mind took that as gas to my conflict fire and it was all I could do not to tell her that the door to leave is always willing to let her leave. All I could think was how I had nobody to talk to about things and the only person I even felt remotely might hear me was her. I thought of all the things and feelings I didn’t share. The dark thoughts, the things I’ve seen and done. Then when she would ask why I was lashing out or why I was so worked up. Why ask if you’re not willing to care. Yet, any time she had the slightest stressor all I would do is make myself available to her to listen and help. I think back now and although not happy with her dismissal of my distress and not feeling emotionally connected, she allowed me to have her feelings. I resented her for being my only light in the night and telling me I was a burden she couldn’t stand anymore. Now I forgive her for it. Whether she meant to communicate it that way impact is the final product not intent. It let me know there were new boundaries for me to adhere to. Despite having nobody else, I knew reaching out was making things toxic.
6) What is your goal today?
6- I think my goal for today will be to prep for camping and try to not forget anything important.
Photos: Jillian A Brown Photography
Camp My Way CEO / Lead Guide
Sure is a Wildlife !
6- I think my goal for today will be to prep for camping and try to not forget anything important.
Photos: Jillian A Brown Photography
Camp My Way CEO / Lead Guide
Sure is a Wildlife !
2 Comments Found
Scott Peake Says:
February 4, 2021 07:42:18I feel and understand everything you are saying. I’m in my 32nd year as a career firefighter in the lower mainland and I have gone through many internal struggles. I will be haunted by so many bad memories. I just want you to know you are not alone.