PTSD Recovery Expedition Day 9 – The Answer is in the Process
I awoke this morning to a song of the early bird who gets the worm, a sound to which was is more precise than usual. More than likely cause we’re out of the cabin, 1/4 way up Goat Mountain at our first Base Camp of many to come over the next 2 months.
Finally, a feeling comes over my entire body that I have craved for many months now.
That feeling of total freedom. That feeling one gets when released from prison back into society, but this feeling is even more great than that. Don’t get me wrong , being released from prison is wonderful and all , but it’s not all what it’s cracked up to be.
Going from 23 1/2 hours a day locked down where time stands still and your mind, freedom, spirit, hopes and dreams have all been shattered to all of a sudden being dropped into a unfamiliar, very busy world.
One that you had fought with every breath to forget existed in order to just make it through each day.
When I opened my eyes to see the sun’s rays dazzling her beautiful oranges, pinks and purples on the glaciers across the valley from our Base Camp I just took a nice deep breath , a sigh of relief, smiled and took this very moment of pure silence and appreciation for the weeks before us that we spent hiking back and forth up and down this mountain just to be in this exact spot, free from it all.
Free from what seems to be a world that is crumbling around us at the same pace to which we click and swipe onto our next mail or post, unconsciously disconnected while frantically feeding our minds in desperate need and search for more…. ?
Right .. for more what ?
Before jumping up outta the tent and rushing off to boil water, I felt paralyzed with peace and stillness, almost as though the sunshine was kryptonite to my soul, or better yet rather my natural spirit connecting with myself again.
That’s the best part of being out in the wild, there is no time, there are no expectations, there are no rules and certainly nothing to worry about – this is the most precious of moments, to sit and just think, reflect, appreciate, take in all the natural life that thrives around us.
Everything slows down to the same speed as the flower pedals that blossom, the leaves that have opened, the earth that is moving beneath us while the sun rises above and gives warmth and life to all she touches.
After making a coffee, I sit deep within the forest for my daily meditation, watching, breathing, listening to perfect silence while all the different birds sing there own songs for and with each other.
I sure would love to understand there language and know what they are saying.
Do all birds know one language, are all their songs familiar to each other, or to each species their own ?
I sit in a place unknown to man, a place that’s been here long before us and will be here much longer after us while to each living being that surrounds us has lived, died and lives again – natural evolution – without corruption, politics, war, greed, power, “humans”.
In order for all to survive eternally here just as it does – it all works together, in perfect harmony.
I look up to the tree’s above, to what by first glance may seem that the forest branches are all fighting for the sun, this is not true as I take a much closer look and have observed over the years.
Each branch, each leaf, each needle, each and every trunk all intertwine together not one touching the other, as though they have been strategically conversing under ground consciously planning their growth 100’s of years in advance so in order not to take from each other but rather share the forest, the earth, the air, the sun, the wind protecting, loving and respecting their space and each others gift of life.
All have learned over time how to live together to ensure their survival just as we can and need to do if we are going to ensure humanity is here for the centuries to come.
Jill and I had made our way back down to where we left the tire yesterday , still a very long way to go to the top but we have no deadlines, we have no expectations, all we have is a personal challenge to ourselves, nothing to prove to anyone, rather looking forward to what we learn about ourselves along the way. With each flip, each step, every single time we stop, look around and take another breath many answers to this life come to us within the process.
Late 2014, I was sitting under my gazebo.
I was sleeping again, I was dreaming again, and I’d gotten my strength back from flipping my tire all over the mountains.
I was sitting back and thought, “What am I going to do with my life now”?
I had spent 15 years working in the bellies of the under world, but that’s no longer an option.
I spent almost 15 years working for the good guys only to find that’s twice as corrupt as the underworld.” But I had a story that needed to be told. I needed to write a book.
I had started it years ago, but now I had a great ending now. I had busted my ass these past weeks to get my life back, I felt as though I had all the answers now, everything was as clear as day now.
So what I needed to do was reach out to a publishing company and see if they would give me a grant to write my book so I hiked down to the High Line Pub and went to the pay phone there, and I called a publishing company and told them all about my best-seller.
They told me that if I gave them my first chapter, middle chapter and final chapter edited and book-ready, they’d see about giving me a grant.
I was so excited. I hung up the phone and got back to my gazebo, and let me tell you the pages were flying! I got started writing the first chapter, about the Olympics. I banged out about four or five more chapters and got to the final chapter thinking, ah man do I ever have the greatest, most inspirational book ever!”
My ego was doing the thinking back then, and I imagined Steven Spielberg giving me a call saying he wants to do a movie. I imagined myself watching this movie at the big Paramount theatre and then we get to the ending and… I got my life back by flipping tires, hugging trees and doing some meditation?
What kind of bullshit ending is that?
I’d put my popcorn down and I’d want my damn money back!
I got a little bit discouraged because I envisioned the ending of my movie and in reality I only had 30 days clean and a big ol stupid tractor tire, and that’s not a good ending.
I closed my book, I sat back, I looked up to the universe and said you know what—I have time!
I have my strength back, I have my mind back, and I am in control of my life right now.
I am in charge and in control to the ending to my own movie, my final chapter to this “best seller’.
What would be the best ending ever, where would I want my life to be in a few years ?
If I was sitting back watching this movie, what would bring me to tears and give me goosebumps, what would make me jump up and say, “Fuck yeah, that guy did it!” He made it against all odds and turned each and everyone of his failures into success.
I took a deep breath and I had a vision, and I see it today as clear as I did then. I could see families together living off of the land, tilling up the gardens and picking apples and Bartlett pears from the fruit trees.
I envisioned having a hundred acres of land, watching people build cabins and stables, taking care of the horses, feeding the chickens and goats, canoeing across the lakes, setting out on week long canoe trips, hiking and setting up tents in the mountains, exploring the land, catching fish in the rivers, laying back reading a book or writing their own.
I can still to this very minute hear the laughter and joy of people just “living” again.
Wow, what a great ending to a movie that would be.
My bubble got burst pretty quick, because in order to do this, I was going to need about five million bucks.
I was just an addict.
I had no family; no friends, not a crumb in the cupboard, I didn’t even have gas for my truck or a functional computer, I knew nothing of a website, not even a cell phone or a land line – Nothing!
All I knew was that my heart thumped at the thought.
Something inside me said that this was my purpose on this earth.
This was my calling; this was my truth, all that I had endured over the years – everything was for this moment.
But how ?
I’m not even a voice in the wind here in the middle of absolutely nowhere, not even a peanut shell in my pocket nor 2 pennies to rub together.
I have nothing to share, nothing more to prove nor am I anybody that even matters to the world around me to which has already chewed me up, and spit me out again and again my entire life.
Who the hell do I even think I am ?
Pffft best seller ?
pffft Steven Spielberg ?
Pffft movie ??
I’ll tell ya who .. Pfft THETIC !
I had talked myself in and out of the idea just as fast as I did when I first found that dam tire.
You can do it, no you cant – you can do it – no you can’t – excuse after excuse , up and down and back again over and over my head felt like it was on sideways with total confusion as to which way to go next ?
It always seems that I make a left when I should have taken a right, or go straight , or wait .
Stop . Think about it , one small flip at a time – sit, think, smile, enjoy, appreciate, forgive – flip again , sit ups – push ups – flip again – sit – think – smile – enjoy – appreciate – forgive – rest – repeat.
The Answer is in the Process.
Your Friend, Our Voice
Terrance J. KosikarAnother amazing day with the coolest, most badass adventure photographer Ms Jillian A. Brown
Proudly Partnered with The Surrey Firefighters Charitable Society’s Mental Health Initiative Program Sponsored Surrey Honda
MEC
Escape Route
VSSL
Nesters Food Market
Kal Tire
