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PTSD Recovery Expedition Day 22 – Positive Intentions

Well, 1st I want to take a quick second to Thank you for reading this blog. I really enjoy having this opportunity to share my thoughts, feelings, and our journey with you and with each word I type, I am reminded of just how far we have come over the years and am grateful for your support. We wouldn’t be here with out you so again, Thank you.

Although I’m speaking of the past in many of these posts, it is mainly because these are the results of our first year flipping this tire. Again all we are doing is repeating our routine and evidently through these amazing pictures Jill has captured of our expeditions I feel they speak louder than any words I could try and express anyhow.

I could sit here and write about how cold the snow is, or how sore my back is, not to mention a slew of other injuries, or even talk about the long 1 – 5 km hike back and forth to the tire everyday and and and , but how would that inspire, educate, or prove what we are doing works ?

I feel what is most valuable is “our actions”, and hope that through the visual images you can see what we are doing isn’t that difficult and proves that recovery is possible when you find that formula.

The best way to begin the healing process is the work we put into each and every minute to finding that formula that works best for you.

Have patience, believe in the process and in time , when it’s meant to be you will also experience the magic that already lays within your own heart and soul.

The Formula Continued from yesterdays diary / blog

So what would you do if you learned that over 100 first responders have died by suicide in just 1 year who had been diagnosed with PTSD ?

Each flip of that tire for the remaining 18 kms of our 37 km journey, day in and day out nothing bothered me more. I knew from my own personal experience why the suicide rate was do high and let me tell you, after years of digging yourself out from the grave and you finally stand above ground to learn that 1000’s  of our Canadian First Responders were suffering the same way something had to be done about it.

But who would listen to some tire flipping, nobody like me ?

Nobody listened when I knocked on countless door, nobody cared when I needed the help, each and every call I made or office I tried to sit in to get help it was he same old song and dance.

Fill out this, take some of these, sorry you don’t qualify, come back next month, sorry they don’t work here any longer, denied, denied denied.

I couldn’t take another breath without screaming that the mountains, taking out all my anger and aggression on that stupid tire.

I knew that when we got to Whistler, their would be 100’s if not 1000’s of people there that would listen and hear our voice and help us stand up for change.

Yet another mistake I had made and would learn a very valuable lesson about “expectations”.

When we arrived in Whistler for the final km rounded the corner on our way to Nodar’s memorial plaque in Olympic Plaza out of nowhere my step dad Keith and cousin Brendon who I had not seen in almost 10 years popped out from behind a wall to surprise me.

Whistler, BC; Mar. 19, 2016: The final km from the memorial of Georgian luger, Nodar Kumaritashvili, at Whistler’s Olympic Plaza to Skiers Plaza with Terrance Kosikar on his journey to raise awareness for PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) ; While wearing 52 pounds of solid steel chain and battling northern British Columbia’s brutal winter conditions and passing through 12 avalanche paths, he will be flipping a 400 pound tractor tire across 7 back-country mountains in the Cayoosh Range in the interior of British Columbia. Photo: Joern Rohde/www.joernrohde.com

This was the greatest moment of my life up to this point and still to this day I feel horrible in my gut and some days I even loose sleep because of it , but I had been so excited to flip this tire all the way through Whistler to raise awareness, and show all those people who left me out to rot and die by suicide that I’m back and i’m alive and i’m stronger than ever.

That morning, when my step dad Keith surprised me, my mind was in 50 places at once.

  • 100 first responders dying by suicide.
  • What was I going to say to the media.
  • I’ve never done public speaking before.
  • All the people from that new social media thing would be there.
  • Would Nodars family be there ?

All my friends from my hockey teams, my family, my firefighter brothers, ski patrollers, everyone from the Whistler Sliding centre, the mayor, marching bands, my step sons buddies, I was so nervous for the first time in my life, I actually put my sunglasses on so nobody could see the fear in my eyes.

I feel horrible cause I just put my arm around my dad quickly and said, come on Keitho, we gotta go, there are many people waiting for us is the plaza.

Whistler, BC; Mar. 19, 2016:  Photo: Joern Rohde/www.joernrohde.com

When we rounded the corner to walk into the plaza , I looked up and my heart sank to my toes.

There stood …. absolutely nobody.

Not one single person.

Whistler, BC; Mar. 19, 2016:Joern Rohde Photograpghy

Please, don’t get me wrong here, there were about 6 of our Breaking the Chains team there, but no public, no first responders, no friends, no marching band.

Who the hell did I think I was and why on earth would anyone care now, when these past 6 years nobody was there either.

Clearly we had a lot to learn, and even more hard work to be done. This was not even a appetizer for the work that was still ahead for the years to come.

When you think you’ve reached the top of the mountain, be ready because this is actually just your first massive road block and obstacle you will have to overcome to full fill your intentions.

It is not written , there are no rules, no maps, and your not going to be able to google fix this challenge.

This is how the universe will test you to see how genuine your goals and dreams are and determine weather your legit to your word and your intentions, or were they all just some hog wash fantasy that sounded good in your mind.

Are you really ready and willing to jump back into the depths of your grave and spend the rest of your life digging your way back out just to help “the people” ?

Believe me when I say that when your driving towards your goals you will only take 1 small tire flip forward, and with each one you will go back 10 spaces every single day, every single breath, every single night for all the years to come.

This is our greatest gift.

This experience is what makes us human, our spirit eternal and will give you the confidence to know that you are the strongest mfk’er on the block.

Each and every single day you will fall, fail and then repeat before taking one small step forward and 10 backwards.

It’s just the way it is and as rough as that may sound, it’s certainly better than spending your life in the shitter begging for the screams, the nightmares, sadness, pain, and anger to stop.

There is only one person who’s going to always be there to get you through this shit, and that’s you.

Dig in and get what ya came for, or tap the fuck out, sit down and hope that Santa Clause or the Easter bunny brings your life down the chimney for ya.

It’s just reality and I’m not here to try and blow smoke up your ass and tell you everything is peas and carrots with icing sugar on it. Remember, this is my perception from 46 years in a pair of shoes I wouldn’t ever wish on any human to have to try and live even 24 hours wearing.

Enough talk, let’s put our mouth to work shall we and head to Germany to learn why they have not had once single first responder die by suicide in 20 years, while in Canada, over 100 first responders have died by suicide per year.

After 3 very long months working closely with the Bad Homburg Polizie, EHS, and Fire I’ll sum it like this.

They learn about Post Traumatic Stress long before they become first responders.

Their is no stigma

When they ask for help, its given the minute they ask with out any questions period.

While I was over there learning, I sat many times with a massive fire in my belly at pathetic system we have in Canada.

In Germany the amount of support and knowledge they have in their system made me think “wow, us Canadians are easily 30 years behind these people”, and this is why our suicide rate in 900 % higher than anyone else in the world.

How do you change this ?

I’ll tell you how, you begin informing the public and give them the truth that nobody else has been willing to or are even alive to.

You don’t go to the government to make change.

“The people” make change but in order for “the people”, to make change and for all of us to have Justice, we must have truth.

My mind raced, where are all the people and how do we inform them?

We needed to look them in the eyes, shake their hands with a smile and get the truth to them through there hearts.

My dearest Friend Ralf and I hatched a plan to inform “the people”.

I returned to Canada and on July 1 2016, Canada Day, I brought my tire, shackled in chains, war paint and a petition in hand to the BC Legislature Building in Victoria knowing that’s where all the Canadian public would be.

At this point in my life, my biggest fear and insecurity was being in the public eye but in order to make change, you have just jump in the trenches and get to work , from your heart.

Video from BC Legislature July 1 Canada Day 2016 – Day 1
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GJMHRsLvh5o

Our goal was to change legislation and let me tell you, this is where the work comes in. This is part of the mathematical equation and a result from flipping our tire during the 30 kms in 30 days with the intention to help “the people”.

Side Note : To be clear.

This is not about me, and my story, Im hoping that while your reading this you can adapt your own goals, mission and dreams to this entire equation.

Have you asked yourself what goals you have, and how far your willing to go to achieve them ? That’s all we are doing here is flipping tires, and focusing on helping others. This is the key to not only our recovery, healing but most importantly this is our duty to write history through our actions to help the future of humanity.

Our life on this earth is to be lived with failure so we can learn from our mistakes and share them with the future so those “people”, can continue on with humanity without the same struggles we endure, rather learn what not to do in hopes that 1000’s of years from now our species will still remain eternal on this earth but can only do so if they have the tools, knowledge, wisdom from our mistakes.

This is why we are even here today to read this, thanks to those of our past who have helped paved the way to our evolution through their lived experiences.

If it was all easy peasy — we simply wouldn’t exist. Nothing in the natural world has it easy – not one living being connected to life has it easy, all life evolves and learns to adapt over time.

Actions speak louder than words.

The proof is in the pudding buddy.

I could sit here and try and write 50 000 more words of how we were going to do it, and all the fancy words to try and express how hard it was day in and day out, along with each and every person we met along the way while doing so, on top of the years it took to finally get Bill M203 tabled, then passed and successfully accomplish our goal and made the amendment to the workers compensation act.

Ya see , this is the whole equation – flip tire – want to help, doors open, drive hard, fall, fail, try again and again and again and again the sae as when the tire doesn’t flip or your too TIRED, exhausted and feeling like you’ve been defeated you must dig in even deeper and keep trying no matter how long it takes as long as you have the right intentions for positive solutions and genuinely care about helping people the doors will open in time — without expectations.

At last ya see, this is why we are on this expedition during this whole COVID thing. Our intentions are genuine and because we are consciously connected to all things in the natural world, it could take 1 year it could take 5 or 10 years maybe even 20 year to see the actual results of this expedition through our intentions.

I will say one thing for sure , I do find it extremely difficult to try and express this equation on a keyboard and keep all my writing to a minimum knowing there are some of you out there who may really be searching for the answers to the mystery of healing our trauma, stress etc. Bottom line is , get out there, and take your time struggling through the process to find your formula now – this will take a lot of hard work, a lot of time, and endless effort but in 10 years from now .. you’ll be glad you started today.

Petition 2016 –

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VwrgrsgOOoY

CTV News Petition

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rYhDY_6RbJ8

Welcome Terrance to the Legislature

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fBr34Ydp7Yg

Presumption of Illness Bill M203 Tabled

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ii7nat0AOV8

That’s the easiest way for me to share that part of the journey to where we are today and why we do what we are doing.

You, we, they and all of us have the same instinctual power to heal.

Thank you for your time, patience and support today. Your positive energy is felt with each breath we take.

Your Friend, Our Voice

Terrance J. Kosikar Ph.D.

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