. . .

PTSD / Mental Health Expedition Day 13 – New Boots – Huge Steps

Today, is yet another one of those moments where ya realize how it’s meant to be when you put in the work, year after year and show up to see the very first man who reached down to give you a hand up off the ground and back to your feet again.

4:45 am, rise and shine and it’s off to Whistler we go today to see Mr. Larry Falcon GM of Escape Route to re-up on supplies and hopefully my boots are in but i’m really just looking forward to getting a new pair of socks. When ya gotta go, ya gotta go and at that point, so did the socks ( hope that makes sense )

While making coffee my mind already began to take 2 steps faster than it has over these past 2 weeks, wait .. slow down you don’t have to leave until 8:00.

I began my routine today with my usual walk out through the forest stopping to hug certain trees to which I have named after my friends and family who have left this earth as humans, but through the trees and conversation this allows me to stay spiritually connected to all.

Through this connection they are never gone, and will always be alive and strong right beside us helping guide us down the right and wrong paths on this earth each step of the way.

After watching Ol Fozzy Bear and his sister Fuzzy Butt duke it out in a full on UFC match, out walked 4 mother deers, and 2 young deers.

After they climbed the embankment, “good morning girls”, I whisper to them with a smile.

I often hold my hands to the side of my head as if I had my own 2 big deer ears and try to lick my nose like they do as I pretend to be one of them kindly thanking them for welcoming me to their herd.

They usually just look at me like, ” what the hell is this human doing now”?

Their tails swirl round n round as the baby deer are so curious they walk closer and closer with the most giant ears and sweetest button nose i’ve ever seen.

They look at me like they want to play but within a few quick minutes they are back to just munching on the luscious green grass. There really is no better way to start the day, surrounded by the natural world, no days in a week, no time, just sitting and being at one with all that surrounds you.

The absolute most important part of my day every single day, no matter what is he very first few hours.

Complete silence, no talking, just self, walk slow, breathe, take in all that’s around me, be grateful, forgive, thank and most importantly just think.

This helps me keep the pace for the day and keeps me positive and present in this very moment.

Yesterday doesn’t matter and tomorrow isn’t here yet,  what matters is the now  ( lebe das jetz ) and making this time to take in my thoughts slowly, easily and actually feel what it’s like to actually feel.

Meditation 2014
teaching self to meditate 2014 

Nothing Else Matters 

When I came in the house, I had to do what I know is the main contributing factor and root cause for my anxiety, stress and ohh buddy I can’t begin to communicate in words the flood of emotions that come over me from “just looking at the time”.

Last night I had told myself that I need to send an email to our Board, Dylan and Aaron and check in, let them know we are safe and off to re-up on supplies.

My mind immediately shouted “you know there are going to be 50 emails, 100 spams, documents I should read, people asking for help, video call requests, Linkedin notifications, a problem with the website, many Facebook notifications, thoughts of having to try and edit a quick Instagram story, need to tag our sponsors, how’s the raffle going etc etc.

An immediate unconscious mathematical equation was done within 0.003 seconds and it all equalled us not leaving until 5 pm, and would still result in absolutely nothing actually getting done, so I immediately put my coffee down, swept the floor, put the doors back on the jeep and within 14 minutes we were off to Whistler.

As easy as that sounds, it’s was very in fact extremely difficult in my mind to do that while this over whelming feeling came over me that I was abandoning our team, our friends, our sponsors and investors.

At the same time I do feel that that over time the decisions made will make more sense to them and the work that’s actually accomplished will out weigh the 11 hours I would normally spend tangled in this web.

Do they really even care what Terrance is doing ? 

I feel they do trust in my judgement to prioritize my time accordingly.

It’s just really tough for me to jump from one completely different world with no internet for 5 days now, where nothing has changed since the beginning of time to the electronic world, unsure what dimension it is .. well I do feel I understand it better each day as I learn more and more with each step and straight up .. I admit I do fear it .

I am not in fear for myself, health or my sanity .. but rather more have fear for the future of humanity.

As we pulled into the IGA parking lot in Whistler this car comes flying out of nowhere right in front of us, crossed the road without even looking and tried parking half assed sideways in front of the liquor store.

I had to drop the clutch and stomp on the brakes full stop as we watched this crazed lunatic try to park.

I sat and starred at this car and thought, “what in the living hell is wrong with these humans today”?

I actually waited for a good 45 seconds for this person to get out of their car so I could ask them why they were in such a hurry to park ?

They didn’t get out.

While one man who stood at the store watched also in awe, I just pulled my E-Brake and got out. I walked cautiously up to the driver window , looked in to see a woman frantically texting away.

I starred at her for a second, she didn’t even look up from whatever dimension she was trapped in.

I tapped my ring gently on the glass, she shockingly looked up at me with this completely puzzled look on her face.

I smiled and motioned for her to roll her window down .. she did ever so slowly.

“Have you been drinking today or something”? I asked.

Her mouth wide open like .. “huh’? 

“You do realize that you just came about 2 feet from those antlers on my  jeep going right through you”? 

She broke down in tears.

“Are you ok, can I get you some help”? 

She said she had no idea what she just did, dropped her phone and looked at me as though she really had no clue what planet she was on or had any idea she nearly just killed herself.

I said everything is ok now, your ok, i’m ok, it’s a beautiful day .. “my name is Terrance Kosikar”, as I reached with a welcome hand to shake hers.

She reached for my hand, she was shaking very badly and as she said her name. I don’t think i’ve ever seen that many tears come from someone all at once like this.

With a terrified tremble in her voice, said with a high pitch “oh my god, i’m so stressed, so much stress, I don’t even know what i’m doing here’?

Your ok, it’s ok, we are in the Whistler parking lot and we are meeting for a reason today. Is there anything I can do to help make things better ?

She just cried.

Have you ever done any breathing exercises ?

She looked at me with complete horror and panic.

Tell ya what, turn off your car and put that silly little piece of plastic in the glove box and lets just breath ok. Let’s just be here, be now come back to earth and everything will be ok.

Nice – deep –  breaths ok.

Is there someone I can call for you ? 

She nodded no and just started taking deep breaths and released a massive sigh of relief, her tears streamed while a few cars started lining up behind mine . I smiled and assured her everything was going to be ok and if you need anything i’ll just be a few stores down at the Escape Route ok.

She mouthed the words Thank you under her tears and I walked away slowly, unsure really what more I could do to help.

Upon starting my truck, I looked over at Jill,  shook my head and said  “this is just the beginning”.

Today, is yet another one of those moments where I realized how it’s meant to be when you put in the effort and hard ass work year after year and show up to see the very first man who reached down to give you a hand up off your feet.

Larry Falcon / Terrance Interview 2016
Larry Falcon & Terrance Kosikar Interview 2016

As we walked into the Escape Route a man shouts out kindly from across the store , “please wash your hands and you can put gloves on if you wish”. We look down at this little table with hand sanitizer and a box of rubber gloves and masks.

I’m baffled at what’s going on in this world. Perhaps baffled isn’t the word i’m looking for .. more like confused, dumbfounded or just completely disoriented while none of this makes any sense to me for it was just hours ago I was out on the berm, hugging trees, checking Yogi Bears Gym membership, talking to the deer, watching the bears play while the birds sing there morning song.

As we stood there waiting for Larry to come out from his office, I had a minute to just gaze around and think back to the very first day I had walked into this store 5 years ago with nothing but lint in my pocket, and a dream in my heart.

Larry had come out of his office, “how can I help you”?

For those of you who know me, can more than likely understand the torture chamber Larry just found himself in.

There was no off button what so ever as I had shared with Larry my past 5 years downfalls since the 2010 Olympics, right up to how I found this tractor tire and of coarse wrapped it all up with my dream of wanting to start a camp for first responders and their families who struggle with PTSD, Mental Health, or Substance abuse.

“How can I help you” ?  he asked

Well Mr Falcon, I have nothing, no dollars, no food, and nowhere to even sleep at night while I do my best to chase after my dream of starting this camp, and all I really need from you please Sir .. is just a new pair of boots.

We both looked down to what I had on my feet, and after a stint of being homeless, and weeks of flipping my tire in the rain, snow and muck over the most rugged terrain the soul on my boots were pretty much non existent, the holes in them were so big that 1/4 of my foot stuck out the side.

He looked me in the eyes for about 1.9 seconds and pointed over to the boot rack and said, “go ahead and find yourself a pair”.

Ah man, my belly is just as fuzzy now writing this as it was back then to hear those words.

Never in my life had I reached a point where I had to walk into a store to ask for a pair of boots. Not even when I was homeless could I bring myself to ask for change, food or even a roof .. I felt in those days by doing so meant defeat.

I went to the boot rack and looked at all the hiking boots and found the cheapest pair on the wall. I didn’t need anything fancy, just a pair of boots with a soul and laces that tied up correctly.

I put them on the counter and Larry came over , looked at the boots and then to me and says, No .. those wont do for the work your doing. What size are you ?

Uhh 8.5 / 9 ?

Actual Boots 2019 spososred
Salomon Boots Sponsored by Escape Route 2019 / 3rd year

He walks over, grabs a brand new pair of the most expensive Salomon hiking boots on the wall , a new pair of marino wool base layer pants, a long sleeves merino wool shirt, and a new head lamp , puts it all in a bag and says , when you get your Camp started, make sure you come back to see us and we’ll take good care of you.

To stand in his shop today, sure makes me feel grateful for the day Larry gave me a hand up, and to think back through the past 5 years and all that he has down for me, our Camp and our awareness events sure makes me feel good to have kept my nose to the grind stone through the thick and thin of it all over the years to be standing here right now this very moment is most precious to me today for many more reasons than my vocabulary is able to express in words.

Thank you Larry Falcon .. your one hell of a solid cat and I have the utmost Respect for you brother .

Photos by the ever so brilliant, always in the right place at the right time with a huge smile and positive energy ..
Ms Jillian A. Brown

Your Friend, Our Voice
Terrance J. Kosikar 



#BELLETSTALK#bellletstalk#breakingthechains#breakingthechainsbc#ITSNOTWEAKTOSPEAK132010 olympics2010 winter olympics2018 winter olympics202020212021 camp2021 Ride to Recovery21221524 kms 24 hrs55 ultra7th heavenA Dollar A day FoundationAdara Hotel WhistleraddictionAddiction RecoveryadventureAdvocatealpine glowanti bullyanti bullyinganti virusantivirusAnxietyanxiety helpatvaustraliaAwarenessaxeback to workbc ndpbc search and rescueBCSARbe kindbe safebe wellbike life vancouverbikersbikers against bullyingbreaking the chainsBreaking the Chains BCbritish columbiabull dog boot campburnaby lakecamocampCamp FireCamp My Waycamp outCamp set upcampingcanadaCanada Day 2021canadian walk for veteransCanadian well beingCanadian well-being foundationcanoecanoeingcanoingCDFChad Kennedychainschaos group canadacodeCommunityconqureconvictcorrections officerscovid19covid2020CTVctv newscwbfdarren mcpeakedavid buzzarddavid buzzard photographydepressiondepression helpdepression reliefDon Shafereducationehseldersemotionalemtend the stigmaenemyEnglish Bayenvironmentescape routeescape route whistlerevery child mattersexcerciseexerciseexpeditionexperienceexplorationFacebookfamilyfamily dayfire chiefFire Fightersfire rescuefirefighterfirefightersfirst nationsFirst Responderfirst respondersfishingfitnessfkcovidfood bankforest fireforgivefoundationfreedomfundraiserGarmingeorgiagermanyglobal newsgoalgraditudegratefulgratitudehealHeal naturalhealinghealshealth carehelphigh risk youthhikinghistorialhistoryhonda crv 2020honourhumanhuman experiencehumanityinspirationinspireInstagraminstinctual reaction to dangerinternational ptsd awarenessipairdITS NOT WEAK TO SPEAKJack Poole PlazaJill brownJillian A Brownjillian a brown photographyjoern rohdejoern rohde photograpghyJordan Daviesjosee querryJosh Vander Viesjournel entry day 3just breathekal tirekyacklakelakeslarry falconlaw enforcementlegacylet the games beginLinkedinloyalitylugeMagic JohnsonMaple Ridge Wilderness Programmarathonmarchmark kennedymarriottMECmediattionmeditationmemorialmental healthMental Health awarenessmental health initiativemental health recoverymentorMilitary Mindsmind fitMind setmindfulMission Mountainmotivationmotorcyclemountain fmMountainFmMountainsmustang survivalNational Police Forcenatrualnaturalnatural recoverynaturenature healsneed helpNesters Market WhistlerNesters Whistlerno cell phonesno medsno xcusesnodar kumaritashvilinon profitnot all wounds are visiblenursenutritionOff duty sickoff gridolympic cauldronsolympicsoperational stress iniuryoperational stress injuryopportunityopus athleticsOSIpaddleboardingpaddleingpan pacificparamedicspaul eastonpeacepeer supportpig roastpique news magazinepoker runpolicepolice officerspolice testimonialpositivepost trauma recoverypost traumatic stresspower of positive thinkingpresidentpresumtion of illnesspreventionprisonproud police officerPTSDptsd awarenessptsd recoveryptsd recovery camp my way suicide preventionptsd recovery expedition 2020ptsdrecoveryPTSiput in the workradiorally point retreatrcmpreconnectrecoveryrecovery expedtionrecovery is possiblerelaxrespectride to recovery 2021Robson SquareRoundhouse RadioroutinerunningRyan TobinsafeSARscandinave spaScott Caseysecondary schoolself careselflessserviceshane simpsonsheepdog lodgeshelterSheriffsikh motorcycle clubslccsleepsocial justicespiritualSquamish Chiefsquamish lil'wat cultural centreStanley ParkstigmaStressstress reliefstressfreestrugglingSuicide preventionsuicidepreventionsummit lodge ski boutiquesun setSunset Beachsupportsurrey firesurrey fire fighters charitable societysurrey firefighterssurrey firefighters charitable societysurrey hondasurvivalTentTerrance Joseph KosikarTerrance KosikarTerrance Kosikar FounderterrortestimonialThe Ambassador of Georgia H.E. Konstantin Kavtaradzethe rolling barragethe surrey firefighters charitable societyTheGlobeandMailtire fliptire flipingTire flippingtire mountain teamtire'd of the stigmatired of the stigma 2020Together We CampTogether We Cantrauma recoveryTrev DeeleyTrev Deeley Motorcyclestrue healthcare is selfcaretruthTWCusaVancouvervancouver bcVancouver fireVancouverSunveteransVictoriaVictoria Buzzvsslwaterwaterfallswell beingwellbeingWhistlerwhistler atvWhistler Blackcombwildernesswilderness survivalwilderness therapyWinter Campingwisdomwounded warriors canada]young offenders boot campyouth campyouth programs