RCMP CST. RYAN TOBIN JOURNAL ENTRY DAY 5 – 2021-01-19

I’m beginning to feel refreshed. The day at “your own pace” was extremely helpful. I’m not feeling rushed or pressured.

I don’t feel overloaded with self imposed tasks or the pressure from others to fulfill their wants.

I don’t feel I have to prove anything to anyone for the first time since I can remember.  I find myself thinking of Abraham Maslow’s Hierarchy of needs.

I’ve always had the basic needs of food, water, warmth (except maybe last night when camping). I’ve also felt secure in my safety needs.

I know I can take care of myself, if anything I’m excited for confrontation and there aren’t too many fears I have. (Maybe the dentist. Alls Dentists can fuck right off.)

Psychological needs I’m struggling with but I’m sure they’ll improve. I’ve never had a hard time making friends but finding and receiving intimacy is a real challenge.

It’s hard to communicate to my wife without being an asshole and I feel it’s always a one way street. She has no problems telling me all the ways I’m fucking up, I’m making her feel burnt out because it seems everything revolves around my PTSD and injuries.

Yet when I try to mention the slightest thing I need or struggle with and all I hear is “I’m not wired that way” and “I’m trying the best I can”. I can’t push the issue because I get worked up so I just swallow it down.

My esteem needs are coming into focus. I’m no longer caring about work accomplishments. I  know that no matter what I do, how hard I work, how long I stay late and on and on and on, it won’t get noticed and will be completely erased by one supervisor or another making one negative comment.

Now I’m measuring my esteem needs by reflecting on my children, the life I provide for them and my blessings I can enjoy in life which many cannot.

I’ve kind of got a foot in the last three levels of the hierarchy. The last being Self Actualization. I am doing the things I like again, I’m drawing, I don’t care how much my pay check is. I  know I can do better at certain things and as long as I’m putting the effort to address and correct them, I’m proud.

I know I’m feeling this way because I’ve never given a fuck what people think but I would obsess over them using their opinions against me. I’m noticing no pressure and I can verbalize this by giving the example:

Before we left for our canoe trip, I specifically asked Terrance “What kind of activity will we be doing? Should I pack my knee braces?”

He said no but on day two of camping my garbage knees decided to punch out when he took over our morning warmup/workout. Really bad, like barely walking bad, almost in tears at night bad.

Talking with Jillian this morning I felt self pressure to still push it and join despite barely walking. I didn’t want resentment from them thinking I was wasting their time. I addressed that and I know the hand I’ve been dealt regarding my injuries, and I  know I’m responsible to ensure I’m able to fulfill my responsibilities without being in a wheelchair because I’m too young for knee replacements. Take each day as it comes at face value, perform accordingly and ensure the gift of tomorrow can be appreciated not dreaded.

I slept good, at least warm, dry and comfortable. Aside from the screaming knee pains and it making me so restless. No night sweats though still. It’s so nice to not experience those.

Especially with the lack of bathing around here. I’m usually a two shower a day guy but at least one. Not that I stink but I enjoy being clean and abore any hint of body odour so I never give it a chance.

 I’m thankful for the fresh air, a clearing mind, real friends, my support group of services and all the blessings in my life. Many have it much harder than I do.

 I’ve come to decide that I forgive our health services department at work, for the lack of support I received over the last 6 years and 3 concussions.

I could have harassed them more rather than always trying to tough it out and they have other people to look after. That shows the power of the current stigma at work, “just tough it out” “off duty sad”.

The last thing I wanted was to get a label but in the end it was unavoidable thanks to management and their cannibalistic habits.

I’m sure If I was in their shoes and I could, I’d give all my resources but that would be hindered by the sheer volume of injured officers.

I plan to enjoy my day, with no pressure. Stay in the moment and maybe catch a huge fish.

Jillian asked me to survey my senses this morning ad write about them:

Sight- I see earth tones. I love earth tones. Greens, browns, blue of the water, white snow… all so natural.

Sound- Birds. So many birds of all types. Near and far, it’s wonderful to hear the life. Crackles from the fire, licking flames and sizzles from the logs are something I can’t get in my backyard (thanks abbotsford bylaws! you know everyone does it anyway…)

Taste- Back from camping and have a new tin of chewing tobacco. I mix it with some mouthwash and I get the mint flavor. Fuck you Trudeau and your ban of flavored tobacco! Can’t stop me! Soooo tasty.

Touch- My hands are quite dry this morning. I feel it when handling things. Rough, gritty, tight skin. I can really feel the chill off of ambient objects.

Smell- I can smell some camp smoke but my sniffer isn’t working well this morning.

I think there’s feathers in my pillows … Feathers are no bueno.

Photos:
Camp My Way CEO / Lead Guide: